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Tips on How to Have Great Sex After Deployment:
Volume 1. For Couples Volume 2
Dr. Petra Zebroff
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You race into each other's arms for hot sweaty sex, loving and pleasing
each other over and over again. That is the fantasy that keeps you going throughout
your agonizing separation during deployment. But the reality of homecoming-sex
is often not that simple.
Sex can feel different for both the soldier returning from war and
for the partner who is waiting at home. Experience of violence and constant
danger changes perspective of life and pleasure. What used to arouse may leave
a veteran numb. Body image may have changed because of injury, and favorite
positions may be altered by pain. Drug/alcohol abuse, flashbacks, or the anxiety
commonly experienced after combat may affect sexual performance.
In all likelihood, the partner at home is also changed, because
of extra demands they face on the home-frontm which force them to become more
independant.
Here are a few tips for you and your partner to keep in mind when deployment
ends, and the sex with your partner begins again.
1. Be open. Sex feels different. How you feel about sex,
what turns you on/off, or what you want to do sexually may have changed with
your experiences. What used to arouse or please you or your partner may no longer
work. Be open to new ways of approaching and having sex!
2. Sexual changes are the norm. It is not uncommon to experience
bouts of a lack of interest in sex, difficulty in getting or keeping an erection/lubrication,
pre-mature ejaculation, or difficulty reaching orgasm after being faced with
the realities of combat.
These changes are common reactions to those readjusting into a normal life.
Don't jump to any conclusions or judge yourself. They may be your body's way
of readjusting away from the war.
Educate yourself, talk to others, talk to your partner. If any of these symptoms
persist for longer than a few months, or if they are interfering with your life,
then see your doctor.
3. Be prepared for some awkwardness. The initial sexual moments
may feel strange or different from what you imagined. Your body has ached for
a little whiff of her scent, or a brush against his warm, strong body. But the
moment is finally here -- he/she is standing in front of you and it feels nothing
like what you imagined. Feelings such as sadness, guilt or anger can come racing
to the forefront, overriding sexy feelings. Don't judge yourself. Start slowly.
A sensual massage or close time spent together can go a long way to warming
things up.
4. Be aware of emotional distance. One of the body's natural
defense mechanisms of coping with violence and trauma is to go numb. The mind
and body shut down to avoid intense emotions that are threatening to overwhelm
you. When this happens it is not uncommon for the skin or genitals to feel numb
to the touch. Orgasm and arousal may become difficult.
As the body and mind discover safety again it will also discover
sensation. In the meantime, emotional distance may be felt as "freezing" or
"passivity" by the veteran, but the partner may see it as "not caring". Communicate
what is going on for you.
5. Lack of interest. Seeing death and destruction can make
the make the manliest of men feel less than sexy. Stress associated with the
extra demands put on the partner at home can also kill the partner's sex-drive.
a. Don't judge yourself or feel rejected by your partner. You are
going through a period of adjustment. Be kind to yourself and your partner.
b. Don't jump to conclusions. Don't be alarmed, if you are not lubricating
enough or your erection is waning. When readjustment or home issues are addressed,
sexual desire often returns on it's own.
c. Don't ignore sexual disinterest. Although you know your lack of
interest has nothing to do with your partner, he/she may not know it. Be honest
about your feelings. You can use phrases like, "My sexual feelings for you
have not changed, but I am not feeling that sexual right now." Or, "Something
bad happened today, and I'm not feeling up to sex right now."
d. Take a break from intercourse. Everyone can benefit from taking
a break from sexual intercourse, once in a while. Engage in other activities,
including sensual massage, manual or oral sex instead. It can take the pressure
of performance off, while opening up other ways of showing affection and pleasure
to each other.
6. Come up with a "trigger" plan. Be prepared for interruptions
during sex. Disturbing thoughts (flashbacks) or intense emotions stemming from
combat may creep into the beds of returning vets and affect how they sleep,
get erections/lubricate, have orgasms, or connect with their partner. Have a
plan to deal with these sensitive moments.
During a moment when you are feeling close, devise a plan together
of what to do when one of you is triggered during/before or after sex. These
plans can help to avoid classic misunderstanding and feelings of rejection.
Parts of your plan can include:
a. Seeing triggers before they happen. Be aware of anniversary dates
or sounds, smells, images or phrases that might trigger a traumatic memory
or physical reaction. Let your partner know what the triggers are and what
to do when they come up.
b. Develop a signal. A hand signal or "safe word" when a veteran has
been triggered can go a long way to avoiding possible conflict or misunderstandings.
Decide on what to do when that signal is given. (eg. A hug, breathing together
or maybe time alone)
c. Breathe together. Breathing is one of the most effective methods
of stopping intense emotions from feeling overwhelming and getting back into
your sensual body. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and breathe
out for 4 seconds. Do this 4 times.
7. Communication is the key. Sex can be difficult to talk
about, at the best of times. Add in war -- another subject that causes most
people to clam up inside as they protect their most sensitive self -- and misunderstandings
and hurt feelings are common.
a. Focus on the positive. Tell each other what works for you -- avoid
focusing on what doesn't work..
b. Talk when you are not feeling emotional. Find a comfortable place
(not in bed) to talk where you don't have external pressures such as children
or work.
c. Be aware of the "right" time. If your vet is avoiding TOO much
communication, it may be because "he/she just can't go there right now". This
does not mean they are rejecting you. He/she simply may not want to relive
the painful experiences that your conversation may bring up. Give them space
and ask him/her to give you a sign of when you can try again in finding a
good time.
d. Do not make assumptions. Don't guess at what is going on in your
partner's head. You may be completely off base.
8. Don't mistake stress or home pressures for a sexual problem.
Sometimes the effects of combat, and the pressures of home, are far too great
to feel even the remotest twinge of sexiness. In this case, leave sex alone
for a while. Agree to have physical closeness without the pressures of sexual
performance. If you differ in this area from your partner, or months have gone
by, you may want to see a sex therapist.
9. Alcohol and drugs interfere with good sex. Initially,
alcohol and drugs may be a way of forgetting ugly memories and of physical pain,
and act as "lubrication" for sexual situations. But done to excess, or on a
regular basis, they will alienate you from your body and cause other sexual
problems, such as depression, erection difficulties or lack of interest in sex.
10. Body image and feel.
a. Physical challenges. Changes in your body due to amputations, pain
or injuries may affect the way you can move and experience pleasure. Get creative.
Explore that parts of your sensuality you never accessed before.
b. Body Image. Your body image may have changed because of injuries,
hospital experiences, scars or pain. It takes time to relearn body pleasure.
Slow down and enjoy the sensual parts you do feel good about.
c. Being a caretaker can impact sex. Be aware of how the power-dynamic
in the relationship can change, when one partner is responsible for taking
care of the daily needs of the other. Don't let it creep into your sex life.
Remember, you are both still 50-50 partners in bed.
11. Educate yourself. Reading about others can help you feel
like you are not alone and that what is happening to you is normal. Books to
help.
Combat:
Back From the Front:
Combat, Love and the Family by Aphrodite Matsakis - An excellent look
at relationships and how they are affected by war. Extensive sexual information.
Courage After Fire:
Coping Strategies for Troops Returning from Iraq and Afghanistan and Their
Families.by Keith Armstrong - What to expect and how to cope from the
vets perspective.
Sex:
Great Sex:A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body
Sex by Michael Castleman - Full of useful and accessible, sexual information
from a man's perspective
12. Use this as an opportunity to establish positive sexual patterns.
Eventually, every couple will fall into a sluggish-sex trap, where they get
caught in a routine of the same ol' bag of tricks. A prolonged separation, coupled
with intense combat experience, can pry any couple out of an old routine. Use
this time of change to your advantage. It is up to the two of you to choose,
which routine you would like to replace the old one with. This can be an exciting
time of discovering new, healthy and sexy life.
13. Remember you are not alone. Every person who is touched
by combat, either directly or indirectly, will have to go through a period of
readjustment. There is no shame in needing some help every once in a while.
· See your doctor. Because sexual issues are almost never either mental
or physical it is a good idea to see your doctor to rule out any physical
ailments that may be contributing to your sexual well-being. Time heals. Most
issues will dissipate over time. Be patient. If it has been longer than a
few months, and it is showing no signs of improvement, then find a good therapist
in your area. If you see signs of
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress), it is unlikely that you will be able to
connect in a way that will allow for a healthy sexual experience. In this
case, deal with the PTSD first.
· Talk to someone who has been there.
The online world is full of groups of people just like you. They offer the
anonymity desired when you don't feel like facing people or leaving the house.
And they are available 24/7.
http://www.iraqwarveterans.orgAn
extensive resource for vets who served in Iraq.
http://www.militarywives.com:
An excellent resource for partners of vets. A chat group to connect partners
of those in the military.
· Talk to a professional who understands. Find someone who is comfortable
talking about sexual issues.
Find a therapist.
http://www.militaryonesource.com
- For those seeking information or counseling resources still on active
duty.
http://www.aamft.org - American
Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Find a sex therapist:
http://www.aasect.org: AASECT: American
Association of Sex Educators (804) 644 3288
Related Topics:
Sex and Combat PTSD
Enhancing Long Distance Sex
Discounts for Veterans and
Military Personnel
Help us learn more. Fill out a brief survey that lets us
know what you experience. If you have been in combat, a partner of someone
in combat or related to combat.
Click
here to take our online survey
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