Ask the Sexpert

Are force fantasies normal?

I’ve always considered myself a woman with a very active fantasy life. I’ve fantasized about sex since I was a teenager but never shared them with anyone – including my partners. Anyway, I have one recurring fantasy that I consider my favorite. What bothers me is that I fantasize that I’m getting raped. I’ve never been sexually assaulted or abused in any way. I’m not sure what this means, as I of course would never want to be in that position in real life. Should I be concerned?

Dear Reader,

Some component of “forced sex” is the number one theme in most romance novels. You’d be surprised how many women share this same fantasy with you. They even find freedom in them, as it absolves them from the responsibility of wanting to be sexual -- something that many women feel they don’t have permission to be in Western culture. So many good girl/bad girl messages permeate our culture that many women feel ashamed of, or even scared by, the content of these fantasies.

What we all need to remember is that these fantasies are what they are…in our heads! The mind is considered the most sexual part of our body. Through-out our lives a myriad of sexual images float through our heads. Some fantasies we just “try on” for size, while others may become regular favorites that have a constant presence in our mind. It’s not uncommon for women, in particular, to have rich sexual lives and yet never feel comfortable in sharing them with their male partners. One may need to feel a certain amount of safety in a relationship, in order to be able to loosen up and share one’s inner most desires. And, a fantasy that may include “questionable” content may be particularly difficult to share.

The point is that these fantasies are completely healthy. It’s up to you how you want to express them -- whether you’d like to keep them to yourself, or find a way to safely play them out. Many couples experiment, and enjoy playing with such scenarios.