Ask the Sexpert

Vibrator to Use with Partner

Dear Kat,

My husband and I have been together several years and the sex has always been good but recently I've been curious about incorporating a vibrator into our lovemaking. How do I get him interested in using it with me? Where does a sex toy beginner begin?

Dear Reader,
It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the plethora of gadgets and gizmos designed to help get you off. I don’t know if you masturbate regularly, but a good way to learn about the kind of sex toy you might want is to figure what kind of stimulation you like the best. If you’re new to the experience, check out Sex for One on some suggestions on how to get started. Many women – some estimates put it at 70% -- have more orgasmic response with clitoral stimulation. Most vibrators are specifically designed for the clitoris. But you’ll find there are many options beyond that. You can get a more penis-shaped vibe that you can insert vaginally, a smaller more discreet vibe to apply directly to your clit, or a rabbit (dual) vibe that simultaneously vibrates you vaginally and clitorally . You’ll also want to experiment with the type of vibration as well. Some toys have stronger vibes than others and some now even have pulsing options.

It’s usually easier to experiment on your own through masturbation and then apply that to your partnered relationship. However, that doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes there is the concern that masturbating with a toy on your own would give the impression to your partner that you didn’t “need” them sexually anymore, some even equate it to cheating on their partners. Sex toys are not meant to replace anyone, they can be used expand and enrich your sex life. There are many men who are tired of initiating everything sexual in their relationships; in fact it would be a turn on for them to have their partner add something new. I can’t tell how many men have come to me complaining that their girlfriends and wives never initiate anything new into their sexual relationships.

Ultimately, you know your relationship best. If your partner is someone you feel comfortable enough with to just surprise him one evening then go for it. If you’re concerned about one of the issues above perhaps shop for a vibe together – get him involved in the process. You can both begin to experiment in the ways you’d like to use the vibrator. Some find it a turn on to even just watch their partners use a sex toy in front of them or let him learn how to use the vibe on you. Consider it a project you can do together.

Finding ways to bring up the subject of using a vibrator may difficult. Many people find just bringing up the subject intimidating. Even couples with the best communication skills find it difficult to discuss sex. Perhaps you can whisper the idea in his ear during your next sexual encounter, bring up that you’ve fantasized about him using a "vibrator" on you, or go on-line and begin exploring the world of sex toys one evening over a glass of wine.

Communicating your sexual desires can not only bring you more sexual satisfaction but can also deepen your relationship as a whole. It can bring you both to a new level of intimacy that you can explore together. Adding a vibrator to your sexual repertoire is a good place to start. 

~ Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk