My Lover Doesn't Like Lube

executive summary
Now that she's in her 40s, she doesn't get as wet as she used to. But her husband doesn't want her applying lubricant.

hot facts
Some open communication should solve the dilemma when one partner doesn't understand the other's needs.

Lover is Anti-Lube

Ask the Sexpert

Lover is Anti-lube

Dear Dr. Kat,

I want to use lube but my husband doesn't believe in it. Getting wet never used to be a problem but now in my early forties I don't seem to lubricate as much. I've tried to bring it up but my husband thinks I should be able to get wet on my own. I want to have sex but it's so painful now. Help!


Dear Reader,

Hormone levels change with age and there can be much fluctuation in them for most women throughout their lives. You are definitely not alone in noticing a decrease in vaginal lubrication. You are absolutely right to want to add lube to your sexual repertoire. Lube has been a godsend to many a sexual relationship. Dry vaginal play just isn't fun and usually it isn't as much fun for your partner either. How enjoyable can it be to try and penetrate someone as they are grimacing and whimpering?

Your husband is missing the boat. He could be having a much fuller sexual experience with you, which as a by-product would probably make you keener to have more sex, for longer. Not a bad deal for either one of you.

There is a common misconception among some men that they are responsible for turning you on and if you can't get wet that something must be wrong with them. It's funny how tied into a man's sense of virility lubrication can be. On the flip side nothing is “wrong” with you either for needing a little help. Changes in lubrication can be considered a natural part of aging and hormone changes. Although not all women experience it, some do even in their twenties. We’re just all wired a little different.

I’ve known some women who have gone to the extreme of actually applying a little lube ahead of time so their husbands won’t know it. But I’d like to think you wouldn’t need to take that route. One husband figured out when he went to perform oral sex on her and could taste the lubricant.

Nothing beats a conversation. So, I say sit him down and explain to him that you both could be having more sex if you actually enjoyed the sensation of it. I would also mention to him what we’ve discussed about women’s bodies changing over time and that you have no control over the amount you actually lubricate. If need be, you could even visit a gynecologist together have the doctor explain it to the both of you. Or actually the use of lube in adult movies has become more prevalent in the last few years too. Maybe watching a few DVDS together will help you discuss the topic and reinforce the idea that extra lubrication is a good thing.

~ Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk


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